The Place I'm Meant To Go [Updated with Video]

I wrote this yesterday in one of the camp fires over at Julie Jordan Scott's Writing Intensive Camp.

the place i’m meant to go with my writing and my words is….

deep. raw. inside. what i think people won’t love me for. what i think people will judge me for. what i think people will hate me for.

the place i fear the most. that fear guides me into the fears of others and calls out to come and play, what would stay underground and unheard for years.

where i have feared to go. where others have feared to go. where others have no idea.

the place no one else can get to. the place only i can see. the place only my intuition can shed light on. the place we all need to go.

the place i need to be. if i focus on nothing else, i ought to be focused on what’s dying to come out.

the place i’m meant to go in my writing is the heart. the soul. the center.

[Updated with video below, also as seen on Authentic Realities 6.1.10]

Process

I sat in my chair thinking about how wrong it all was. How wrong that this man was yelling at this woman. How wrong that this woman was not able to ask a simple question to get further clarity. How wrong that this man was unleashing his frustration on this woman. How wrong that now it was two women and they were both crying. How wrong that these two women had been victimized by this man’s anger.

I wanted to walk across the room and hold those women. Hold them and tell them that everything was going to be okay. That this man was just a big bully and that his manners were terrible. That this man had lost himself and was too arrogant to see that you were just asking questions. I wanted to tell that man to get a hold of himself and have some compassion. I wanted to walk across the room and protect those women. Protect them from that man and his anger. 

And all at once I wondered what it was in me that made me think that these women needed to be protected. I began to think about my own emotions and was completely uncomfortable in my chair watching this confrontation unfold. Confrontation is uncomfortable for me and I can’t be with it. I can’t just sit there and watch it unfold. I need to take action; I need to do something. And instead of doing anything, I continued to question myself and my motives as to what emotions were being stirred in me by just watching it all happen. 

I felt uncomfortable, yes, but that was just on the surface. There was something more than discomfort there, something deeper. Underneath the discomfort I started to feel sadness. Sadness, not for the women being confronted, but for myself. Where did that come from? I could see my child-self in these women, and as a child I was incapable of protecting myself, I was incapable of standing up and speaking my mind--doing so would create a physically and verbally unsafe environment for me. As a child, I was unimportant  and need not share my opinions because they didn’t matter, and wouldn’t be heard regardless. As I sat there and thought about these childhood feelings that were very much visiting me in the here and now, it occurred to me that somewhere along the line I became an adult.

And as an adult I have grown to learn that I can and do stand up for myself. I’ve learned that sometimes people get angry, even get angry with me. Sometimes the reason is valid, and sometimes it’s not. Whatever the reason, I’ve developed the skills to assess the argument, know its truth and address it accordingly. I’ve learned to own my part of that truth and discard the rest as I see fit. And then a flash of anger came. 

As an adult I’ve learned these things, but as a child I hadn’t learned to protect myself. That job belonged to my parents. And they didn’t always do a good job. As I thought about that, the anger became stronger. Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart beat faster. What was this about? And almost without thinking, I began to sob, I began to yell, to spew, to actually feel the feelings instead of sitting in my discomfort and trying to shift the focus onto something or someone else. 

This experience happened over a period of a couple of hours, some of it in a large group of people, and other parts in a smaller, more intimate setting . These interactions and thoughts were the result of my training in Process. Process, being actually processing what’s happening for me right here and right now. What’s going on, what’s happening in my body right here right now, rather than what am I thinking about and how can I shift the focus from myself to someone else?

From that experience I was able to let go of some of the past simply by reminding myself that it was just that: the past. And the rest of it I was able to let go of because I allowed myself to just be present with myself in the moment. I was able to own my feelings as they were coming up, and acknowledge them, hold space for them and then give them permission to be released. I don’t need to hold onto that anger because I’ve now been able to express it. In that experience I was able to feel it all and let go of it pretty quickly. I suspect other things may not be as “easy” to release. But the important thing is that I’m learning to exercise the muscle that allows me to really be present with myself rather than deflecting.

Staying in the here and now has no room for anyone but whomever your emotions belong to (that would be you). I encourage you to find something you can’t be with today, and then to own it. For me, it was confrontation. My hands got clammy, my heart raced, I physically felt uncomfortable. Find whatever puts you in that place and then be with it. Really be with it. Honor it. Have compassion for yourself and those feelings, those emotions. Stand up for yourself and those feelings and emotions. Address them and love them. Actually feel your emotions. When you do this, the discomfort you feel will no longer be for hiding; it will be for growth.

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This post is also available at coachdian.com. As I continue to build that site, I am working towards putting all coaching related posts there. I welcome your feedback!

The Summer Day

This is a poem by Mary Oliver, and can be found here. 

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?


from New and Selected Poems, 1992
Beacon Press, Boston, MA

Copyright 1992 by Mary Oliver

This poem was passed to me by a Coaching colleague, and inspired me to ask of you...what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Inquiry: Value

I sat down to write a blog about values and this is what came out:

I can take all the action I want to in my life and it doesn't mean a damn thing if it doesn't mean something to me. And if I'm just doing the action without the meaning behind it, I'm going to stop doing the action pretty quickly. 

I got coached this weekend on my own health and fitness. Why do I start and stop? Why do I love the gym once I get there and hate it until I get there. Why, when I get to the gym, do I find the need to exert myself like I'm still in high school and can leg press 300 lbs or run 3 miles or do any of that without stretching? The thing that brought me to getting coached on this to begin with is the fact that I have a bum hip. 

I'm 33 and I have a bum hip. Last year in a softball tournament I slid into a base and got up knowing something wasn't quite right. My high school mind said, shake it off, old lady, you're fine. My adult mind said, take it easy and ease back into exercise when you get home. I listened to both of them. 

I listened to the high school me remind myself that I'm old. Older, at least. Then I felt a ping of, ummm...you can't talk to me like that. I'm your self. And what started to happen was the inner dialogue, the inner argument of feeling old and not being able to do what I used to be able to do. And the subsequent rebellion against that idea. So I went home and ran like I did before I left for the tournament. I even ran further. And then...my coach cut me off.

That's a great story, Dian, but what do you really want? 

Well, the bottom line is that I want to hike and exercise and be in nature. 

But really, the bottom line becomes: I'm not doing what I need to do in order to be physically able to do what I want to do. The simple answer is to just get off my ass and do what I need to do. But so far that hasn't been working. Which makes it the wrong answer. The answer that's right requires taking some time to figure out why I'm not doing what I say I will do. Which is also the tricky answer.

This gets into, well, we just bought a house and there just hasn't been time, and there's so much going on, and Jackson takes up so much time during the day and I'm writing and I'm unpacking and I'm putting things away and I'm shopping for new this, that & the other thing, and I'm tired at night, and sometimes I just don't feel like it, and it's painful, actually to DO what I'm supposed to do, and that just reminds me of not being able to do what I really want to do, anyway. Which are all just excuses. 

To get at the real issue, I need to look at what is so damn important about stretching, anyway? See, the thing is that stretching isn't actually what's important to me. I could give a shit about the stretching, but I don't (which is why I don't do it). So what is important to me? Being healthy. Being outside. Feeling alive. Being in nature.  Really feeling the burn and knowing the workout isn't just for show. Having sweat drip off of me after going for a run, and earning that beer I'm going to have while I'm watching the game. Those are my values. Those things are "what's important" to me. Not the stretching. So what does one have to do with the other?

I can't do all those things that are important to me right now. I can't do any of them. I can't because my hip is injured and needs rehabilitation. Rehabilitation means stretching. Stretching = honoring the values that are important to me. A light bulb goes on. A bell rings. *ding* So in all this...stretching really is important to me. Stretching will get me to a place where I can realize the things that are important to me. By stretching, then I can go for long walks without pain. Eventually, short runs. And then long runs. And then sweat dripping down my face...this makes me want to stretch RIGHT NOW! Seeing the value attached to the action makes it so much easier to do the action--makes it so much easier to sidestep the excuses. It doesn't matter that all these things are going on, it matters that I take care of myself. 

I could go into a whole list of how I came to that value and how mine all seem to be tied together, but I'll save that for another time. The whole point in all this is that if there's something in your life that you're not doing that you think you should be doing, just look at why you want to do it. You may find that there's value attached that makes it easier to do. Or you may find that you really don't give a crap about it, and you can release yourself from the guilt of feeling like you "should" be doing blah, blah, blah. Either way, you're getting closer to who you really are, not this fantasy of who you or anyone else thinks you "should" be. 

We grow, we change, we evolve...and so do our values. 

Inquiry: Judgment

Wednesday I wrote about my meditation, part of the release I felt during the process, and forgiving myself for things I thought I'd long since gotten over. I reflected on the experience in my journal both yesterday and this morning and feel like I've made some further progress. The part I'd been missing this whole time was not that I hadn't learned, not that I hadn't moved on, but that I had judged. 

In my daily life I try not to judge others. I make a conscious effort to be kind to people who cut me off while driving, cut in line in the supermarket, or are rude in line at retail stores. This conscious effort doesn't mean that I'm always successful, but I can usually restrain myself to only thinking what I'd like to say instead of actually saying it. And then I coach myself on why the thoughts are not acceptable either.

Dian, you know that negative energy has to go somewhere...if even if you're just thinking negative thoughts and not spewing them out into the world, it's still negative energy; it's still toxic.

But that's only when I catch myself thinking about other people. What about when I resent myself? I won't rehash the past because I just put it where it belongs, so I'll just say that it's not enough to move forward and act outwardly like you've learned and moved on. It's even more important to believe those changes in yourself. 

As a result of the meditation, I saw the facts. Nothing more, nothing less. I was able to walk away from the experience leaving all judgement to flow through the foundation below my apartment and back into the earth. I had a dream Wednesday night that the energy I released became one with the positive energy of the earth and was thus transformed, as only the earth would know how to do.

I don't believe that life is about being right or wrong, good or bad. I believe life is about being true to the nature of who you are and finding ways to share love, just as we were created. In my mind and my belief, there is no judgment day, there is only today. It's not about being better than anyone else, but, for me, being better than who I was yesterday. And how can I be better if I'm constantly reminding myself of an awful thing I did yesterday (or a year or twelve ago)? I don't believe I can. 

If I'm to change my actions, first I must become aware of them. If I don't take time to notice my own behavior, how can I expect to change it? So with that, I have some questions:

How much time in my day do I spend judging others? How much time do I spend judging myself? If I judge others less will that flow over to less judgments of myself? If I judge myself less with that turn into less judgment on others? What is it about my ego that makes me even want to place judgment, whether it be on myself or another? 

These are questions I'll be reflecting on in today's meditation. I'm not sure if these are the right questions to ask or where these questions will lead me, but I do know that if I don't ask, then I can't grow. 

Are there any questions you have of yourself?

Inquiry: Taking Risks

I seldom take risks. I mean, I take them, but only after a great deal of thinking and convincing myself that the world isn't going to fall apart if I go ahead and _____. One of those risks was leaving the safety of my corporate job of nearly 8 years to pursue a dream of writing a book. The thing is, that may have been the last professional risk I've taken. And that was over 2 years ago.

Risk is defined as:

"exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance: It's not worth the risk."

But life is lived and things accomplished only when taking risks, some might say:

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.  ~Pablo Picasso

Progress always involves risks.  You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.  ~Frederick B. Wilcox

You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.  ~Wayne Gretzky

A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for.  ~John A. Shedd, Salt from My Attic

Nothing will ever be attempted, if all possible objections must be first overcome.  ~Samuel Johnson, Rasselas, 1759

It's not enough to dream about the things I want to do, I must take action if I want any of those dreams to come true. Last week my life coach challenged me to take one risk. Now I must figure out a risk to take. Do I even have any risks lined up? Is there anything I've been holding off on for the fear of it?

Risk is not about doing things that doesn't make sense. It's not about doing something just because I'm scared. I'm not about to jump out of a plane just yet. To me, risk is doing something that moves me forward when the only thing holding me back is fear. With that in mind, I will...

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I started writing about a project I want to work on and the words came out with too much effort. So I stepped away to gain some perspective. By stepped away I mean I sat right here in my chair. And by gain some perspective I mean I journaled for 30 minutes on why I'm feeling so much anxiety in my life right now. 

The money I'd set aside for the past 2 years is gone. I'm concerned about finding a job. I've been looking, but nothing has even remotely sparked my interest. But of course, that's not true. I've had thoughts for the last two years about becoming a life coach. I researched it in November 2006 after leaving my job the month prior. And I let that information sit, unreviewed for the last 25 months. Why?

Because if I enroll in a program to become a Certified Life Coach, then I will have finish that course. And then I'll have to be a Certified Life Coach. I will have to get clients. I will have to coach them. I will have to inspire them. I will have to impart words of wisdom they've never heard before and be the greatest person they ever met. I will have to be the person they owe everything to...but wait...that's just too much pressure. What if I didn't have to be all those things?

What if I just take the course? What if I pass the exams and get a Certificate? What if I end up at a party and someone asks what I do for a living and I tell them I'm a Life Coach? What if that intrigues them and we talk a bit more? What if they ask me to coach them based on that conversation? What if they accomplish some goals as a result of our sessions? What if they refer me to a friend? What if this becomes a pattern and I can make a living out of helping people accomplish their goals? 

With this in mind, I've decided that the best risk I can take to better myself and release the fears in doing so is to make an investment in myself. I've researched certification programs and chosen a program. This morning after my life coach session I enrolled with Coaches Training Institute, and my courses begin on Friday, February 20, 2009. Which means that by this time next year, I will be a Certified Life Coach, as recognized by the International Coach Federation. Good God, I feel liberated!!

I've also been tasked to keep this excitement alive by taking another risk this week. I've confirmed that a small risk is okay, given the huge risk I've just taken...so maybe I'll golf at night. Or play a game I've never played or know I'm not good at. Or talk to a neighbor I've never talked to. Whatever the risk, I want to make sure I'm expanding myself in some way that's in alignment not with who I am, but with who I want to be. 

After all, isn't growth the whole point of risk?

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And what risk will you take this week?

Inquiry: What Is Complete Joy?

I've been tasked by my life coach to explore what complete joy is to me. So I thought I'd explore this with you. 

The definition of joy is:

"the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation"

Some things that elicit joy in my life:

• Waking up on the weekend after sleeping in. And realizing it's still only 7:00am
• Winning a softball game in the bottom of the 7th inning 
• Watching the sunset from my favorite beach
• Getting licked by a happy dog
• A cat resting on my chest while I nap
• Seeing someone smile when they don't notice anyone's watching
• Watching someone open a gift they never expected to get
• Seeing a funny movie
• Watching a baseball game from any seat in the stadium, beer and hot dog in hand
• Just Like Heaven
• A cuddle in the middle of the night when she didn't even know she was doing it
• Pictures of my me and my dad and me and my mom
• Reading a book that speaks to me
• Realizing I've grown

I think the only way to really feel joy is to get lost in it. The moment I recognize it as joy I start to lose it. In the Pray portion of Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, she talks about experiencing something so fantastic she gets lost in it. She describes the experience as though she's living it right there in the pages of the book. And she realizes shortly into her experience that she doesn't want it to end. And the moment she has this realization is the moment the experience begins to fade. The more she tries to hold onto it, the quicker it slips away. I believe this is how joy works.

The most important part of happiness and joy and all things good is to actually experience them. "You had to be there," is so true. Even when a story is told well, it is impossible to recreate the atmosphere, recreate the action, the words, the laughter, the moment;  something different has ultimately been created. The importance lies in living the moment rather than reliving the moment. 

For me, complete joy is the act of experiencing these things that bring about emotion of great delight, keen pleasure, and elation, without stopping to wonder how it happened, why it happened, when it's ending, or when it's coming back. So...what is it for you?