Process

I sat in my chair thinking about how wrong it all was. How wrong that this man was yelling at this woman. How wrong that this woman was not able to ask a simple question to get further clarity. How wrong that this man was unleashing his frustration on this woman. How wrong that now it was two women and they were both crying. How wrong that these two women had been victimized by this man’s anger.

I wanted to walk across the room and hold those women. Hold them and tell them that everything was going to be okay. That this man was just a big bully and that his manners were terrible. That this man had lost himself and was too arrogant to see that you were just asking questions. I wanted to tell that man to get a hold of himself and have some compassion. I wanted to walk across the room and protect those women. Protect them from that man and his anger. 

And all at once I wondered what it was in me that made me think that these women needed to be protected. I began to think about my own emotions and was completely uncomfortable in my chair watching this confrontation unfold. Confrontation is uncomfortable for me and I can’t be with it. I can’t just sit there and watch it unfold. I need to take action; I need to do something. And instead of doing anything, I continued to question myself and my motives as to what emotions were being stirred in me by just watching it all happen. 

I felt uncomfortable, yes, but that was just on the surface. There was something more than discomfort there, something deeper. Underneath the discomfort I started to feel sadness. Sadness, not for the women being confronted, but for myself. Where did that come from? I could see my child-self in these women, and as a child I was incapable of protecting myself, I was incapable of standing up and speaking my mind--doing so would create a physically and verbally unsafe environment for me. As a child, I was unimportant  and need not share my opinions because they didn’t matter, and wouldn’t be heard regardless. As I sat there and thought about these childhood feelings that were very much visiting me in the here and now, it occurred to me that somewhere along the line I became an adult.

And as an adult I have grown to learn that I can and do stand up for myself. I’ve learned that sometimes people get angry, even get angry with me. Sometimes the reason is valid, and sometimes it’s not. Whatever the reason, I’ve developed the skills to assess the argument, know its truth and address it accordingly. I’ve learned to own my part of that truth and discard the rest as I see fit. And then a flash of anger came. 

As an adult I’ve learned these things, but as a child I hadn’t learned to protect myself. That job belonged to my parents. And they didn’t always do a good job. As I thought about that, the anger became stronger. Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart beat faster. What was this about? And almost without thinking, I began to sob, I began to yell, to spew, to actually feel the feelings instead of sitting in my discomfort and trying to shift the focus onto something or someone else. 

This experience happened over a period of a couple of hours, some of it in a large group of people, and other parts in a smaller, more intimate setting . These interactions and thoughts were the result of my training in Process. Process, being actually processing what’s happening for me right here and right now. What’s going on, what’s happening in my body right here right now, rather than what am I thinking about and how can I shift the focus from myself to someone else?

From that experience I was able to let go of some of the past simply by reminding myself that it was just that: the past. And the rest of it I was able to let go of because I allowed myself to just be present with myself in the moment. I was able to own my feelings as they were coming up, and acknowledge them, hold space for them and then give them permission to be released. I don’t need to hold onto that anger because I’ve now been able to express it. In that experience I was able to feel it all and let go of it pretty quickly. I suspect other things may not be as “easy” to release. But the important thing is that I’m learning to exercise the muscle that allows me to really be present with myself rather than deflecting.

Staying in the here and now has no room for anyone but whomever your emotions belong to (that would be you). I encourage you to find something you can’t be with today, and then to own it. For me, it was confrontation. My hands got clammy, my heart raced, I physically felt uncomfortable. Find whatever puts you in that place and then be with it. Really be with it. Honor it. Have compassion for yourself and those feelings, those emotions. Stand up for yourself and those feelings and emotions. Address them and love them. Actually feel your emotions. When you do this, the discomfort you feel will no longer be for hiding; it will be for growth.

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This post is also available at coachdian.com. As I continue to build that site, I am working towards putting all coaching related posts there. I welcome your feedback!

Small Steps

This afternoon I finished my chapter on Acceptance from 7 Days and I feel great. It's crazy to me that writing about something that seemed so depressing while going through it is now so uplifting to me. I've learned so much from my father's death; so many really wonderful things in me have flourished as a result, and it's not that I'm happy about his death, it's that I've learned from it, I've grown, and I've become a better person through the process of it all. 

This past weekend I was in another coaching course with CTI and we focused on perspectives. I have more to post on that in a bit, but for now, I'm astounded at how little I've gotten done with my book in the past three years because I've looked at it as one giant step I have to take: write a book. It's not that I haven't done anything on the book, I have. I've even posted excerpts of some portions I thought might end up in the book here in this blog. But I never acknowledged myself for the small steps I was taking.

Every word I've written for this book has been a step that's gotten me to where I am now with it--whether it gets cut, fought for, or printed. It all leads me to whatever will get printed. So I'm celebrating this completion of this chapter by buying myself flowers for the flower box I put up today outside my writing space. I'm proud of myself, and I don't mind saying so. This is a small step. Which actually means it's a big step. Because in the end, any step is a step forward, no matter which direction it takes me. 

Coaching Progress

Something happened this past weekend that sparked a newfound exuberance for Life Coaching. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it was, and in the meantime I've put my nose and fingers and elbows to the grindstone. A month or so ago I bought coachdian.com. And then waited until now to tell anyone about it. I feared that it wasn't complete. I feared that I didn't have my niche. I feared that it looked and felt lame. I feared that I didn't know what I was doing. I feared that someone would actually contact me for a coaching session. But isn't that the idea of starting a business? And then the weekend happened. 

I felt alive and excited. I received feedback from several sources acknowledging my growth and a natural knack for listening without judgement. I allowed people to ask me to dig into my fears. I allowed myself to actually dig. I allowed myself to release the fears that don't make sense. I allowed myself to honor the fears that held value. I allowed myself to take action...forward action. And now the site is up and running. I'm even telling you about it. 

This isn't to say that I'm a perfect Life Coach now and that I've got everything figured out so get ready to pay the big bucks for my services...this is simply to say that I've actually begun to offer my services. I'm still in the stages of learning, and I'm learning quickly. The only way I'm going to get better is to do it. And then to keep at it. To make mistakes and learn from them. To honor the failures and use them as stepping stones toward success. This is how I'm going to become a great Life Coach. This is how I've started to already become this great Life Coach. 

I probably won't post much here regarding coaching moving forward, as I really want to have some clear boundaries between my writing and my coaching. This is more for my sake than anyone else's. I have a tendency so get so wrapped up in one value that I think I'm honoring another value when actually I'm ignoring it altogether. That being said, who knows how this will all evolve...I guess we're all works in progress. 

The Summer Day

This is a poem by Mary Oliver, and can be found here. 

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?


from New and Selected Poems, 1992
Beacon Press, Boston, MA

Copyright 1992 by Mary Oliver

This poem was passed to me by a Coaching colleague, and inspired me to ask of you...what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Inquiry: Value

I sat down to write a blog about values and this is what came out:

I can take all the action I want to in my life and it doesn't mean a damn thing if it doesn't mean something to me. And if I'm just doing the action without the meaning behind it, I'm going to stop doing the action pretty quickly. 

I got coached this weekend on my own health and fitness. Why do I start and stop? Why do I love the gym once I get there and hate it until I get there. Why, when I get to the gym, do I find the need to exert myself like I'm still in high school and can leg press 300 lbs or run 3 miles or do any of that without stretching? The thing that brought me to getting coached on this to begin with is the fact that I have a bum hip. 

I'm 33 and I have a bum hip. Last year in a softball tournament I slid into a base and got up knowing something wasn't quite right. My high school mind said, shake it off, old lady, you're fine. My adult mind said, take it easy and ease back into exercise when you get home. I listened to both of them. 

I listened to the high school me remind myself that I'm old. Older, at least. Then I felt a ping of, ummm...you can't talk to me like that. I'm your self. And what started to happen was the inner dialogue, the inner argument of feeling old and not being able to do what I used to be able to do. And the subsequent rebellion against that idea. So I went home and ran like I did before I left for the tournament. I even ran further. And then...my coach cut me off.

That's a great story, Dian, but what do you really want? 

Well, the bottom line is that I want to hike and exercise and be in nature. 

But really, the bottom line becomes: I'm not doing what I need to do in order to be physically able to do what I want to do. The simple answer is to just get off my ass and do what I need to do. But so far that hasn't been working. Which makes it the wrong answer. The answer that's right requires taking some time to figure out why I'm not doing what I say I will do. Which is also the tricky answer.

This gets into, well, we just bought a house and there just hasn't been time, and there's so much going on, and Jackson takes up so much time during the day and I'm writing and I'm unpacking and I'm putting things away and I'm shopping for new this, that & the other thing, and I'm tired at night, and sometimes I just don't feel like it, and it's painful, actually to DO what I'm supposed to do, and that just reminds me of not being able to do what I really want to do, anyway. Which are all just excuses. 

To get at the real issue, I need to look at what is so damn important about stretching, anyway? See, the thing is that stretching isn't actually what's important to me. I could give a shit about the stretching, but I don't (which is why I don't do it). So what is important to me? Being healthy. Being outside. Feeling alive. Being in nature.  Really feeling the burn and knowing the workout isn't just for show. Having sweat drip off of me after going for a run, and earning that beer I'm going to have while I'm watching the game. Those are my values. Those things are "what's important" to me. Not the stretching. So what does one have to do with the other?

I can't do all those things that are important to me right now. I can't do any of them. I can't because my hip is injured and needs rehabilitation. Rehabilitation means stretching. Stretching = honoring the values that are important to me. A light bulb goes on. A bell rings. *ding* So in all this...stretching really is important to me. Stretching will get me to a place where I can realize the things that are important to me. By stretching, then I can go for long walks without pain. Eventually, short runs. And then long runs. And then sweat dripping down my face...this makes me want to stretch RIGHT NOW! Seeing the value attached to the action makes it so much easier to do the action--makes it so much easier to sidestep the excuses. It doesn't matter that all these things are going on, it matters that I take care of myself. 

I could go into a whole list of how I came to that value and how mine all seem to be tied together, but I'll save that for another time. The whole point in all this is that if there's something in your life that you're not doing that you think you should be doing, just look at why you want to do it. You may find that there's value attached that makes it easier to do. Or you may find that you really don't give a crap about it, and you can release yourself from the guilt of feeling like you "should" be doing blah, blah, blah. Either way, you're getting closer to who you really are, not this fantasy of who you or anyone else thinks you "should" be. 

We grow, we change, we evolve...and so do our values. 

Fulfillment

For the next 3 days I'll be surrounded by an abundance of positive energy. Course #2 of 5 begins tomorrow in Glendale: Fulfillment Coaching. Based on what I've read in my Co-Active Coaching book, this weekend will be about coaching people into following their values. We all have values that are important to us, but when it comes to the daily task of living and honoring those values, we tend to spend a lot of time off course. I know I do. It's a constant battle to keep fresh in my mind what the big picture is with every decision I make. 

One of my values is self preservation. It's important to me that I maintain myself so that I don't get lost in anything or anyone and abandon myself, as I have in the past. I've ruined relationships over this, and several times I've come close to losing a job or two. I've been so involved in having whatever or whomever it is in front of me, that I forget that pursuing those things and/or people are not in line with a) who I am, b) what I want for myself, and/or c) where I want to be in life when it's all said and done.

Being fulfilled isn't about having things. It's about being healthy and whole. It's about honoring yourself and your values. And about taking care of yourself, even when things aren't easy. I watched A League of Their Own the other day (for the hundredth time, I'm sure), and a scene with Dottie and Jimmy stood out for me like it's never done before. 

Dottie Hinson: It just got too hard. 
Jimmy Dugan: It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great.

See, they're talking about baseball, but I think this applies to our lives and everything in them. When I think about the best things in my life, none of them have come easy. The bliss of my late 20's was a direct result of going through and dealing with my mother's death. The bliss of my current relationship is the direct result of a tumultuous end to my last relationship. The enjoyment of sitting on my front porch writing this blog is the direct result of nearly 2 months of frustration between buying the house, closing escrow, and having Verizon drill holes in the walls because the builders didn't think about putting phone or cable jacks in any of the rooms. 

It took knowing my values and honoring them in order to get exactly where I am today: in a state of fulfillment. If I choose to ignore my values, I fall out of that state. If I choose to honor them, I stay here. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it just means that I get to make decisions on how I create my happiness, based on what I already know of myself. I take the values of time in the fresh air and being productive, put them together and I get wireless internet on my front porch. It's easy to sit inside on the couch and do nothing. But it's more fulfilling to be out here on the porch. I put the values of eating healthy and spending quality time with friends and family together, and I end up with making my own meatballs and sharing them for dinner with Jill and Erin. It's easier to order something or go out to dinner, but it's more fulfilling to make it myself and have people I love in my home. 

As I look back at the last few years of my life, it's been a crap shoot as to whether or not I'm honoring my values. I get better at it though, the more I practice. I don't expect to ever be perfect at it, but I'm pretty excited that, at the very least, I recognize what my values are. And I really don't mind working on honoring them, even as they change and evolve--even as I change and evolve. I don't mind the hard...the hard is what makes it (whatever it is) great. 

What Is It That I Really Want?

I've read two books in the last two days, and hope to finish a third by tonight. The first was The Dip, which I've already given my thoughts on. The second was The Old Man and the Sea. This book was sent to me with a note attached: "word economy = nobel prize"... after reading, I can attest that this is true. And the third book of the week is An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination. This one was also sent with a note: "how to turn journalizing into a Bestseller."  This is what I hope my book to be; not in content, but in concept.

In my Coaches Training this past weekend I received a lot of 10-minute coaching sessions. While the coaching was practiced by novices, it was led by experts. And as a result, I received some amazing coaching, as the essence of coaching is to allow the client (me) to answer his/her (my) own questions and draw his/her (my) own conclusions as to necessary action (if any) in his/her (my) life. In one of these sessions I focused on what I want people to get out of my writing; essentially: why am I writing? There were as many moments of silence as can occur in ten minutes during that session. In my memory, at least.

I tasked myself with trying to put into words what I want people to get out of my writing. I agreed to make a list of no less than ten things I wanted people to understand. I came up with things like: connect with emotions, relate experiences, embody change, and find yourself through my emotions. It all made sense at the time I wrote it down, but still I couldn't capture what I really wanted to say. And then I started reading this book. An Exact Replica...

The book is about the experience of the author's first child being stillborn and moving forward in life to have a second child that people will always see as her first. I'm only half way through it, and already I can relate to her. Not because I've endured a stillborn child; I've never even been pregnant. But the author has these emotions, these feelings, these thoughts, these rants that are so much in the moment of how she feels, how can I possibly not relate? As a writer, I've always been encouraged to show, not tell. So let me show you what I mean.

I have this idea that we are all humans and we all experience the same core emotions humans are capable of experiencing. Anger. Happiness. Sadness. Fear. And the varying fractions and multiples of each that lead us to frustration and despair and hysteria and joy and jumping up and down for such things and crying happy tears and tears of pain and regret and sorrow and faith and raising a fist to God and demanding to know why, why, for the love of God, why? The circumstances that lead us to these emotions and these actions are always different, as we are all unique. But the emotions themselves are what we all feel, what we can all relate to. 

This is what I wish to capture in my writing. 

Wine or Not, It's In My Hands

I got an email from my best friend just after 12:30 this afternoon asking if I'd be interested in going to a business "mixer" at a local wine store/tasting spot near Long Beach. Why not? $20 very well spent.

I met real estate agents and brokers and life coaches and hypnotists and a minister/financial planner (whose motto is "Jesus saves, so why don't you?") and anti-aging specialists and wine connoisseurs and business developers...all in all, this was the perfect place for me to be tonight.

All weekend long I focused on becoming a life coach. And in this 2-hour spot, I got to actually tell people I was a life coach. Which means...I'm actually a Life Coach, certification or not. I networked with several people and ended up making plans with 3 of them to get together this week and talk about doing a seminar for first time home buyers. A couple of Realtors, a Lender, and myself are going to figure out how to put together something where people who have never owned homes can see the benefits of capitalizing on an amazing opportunity that's happening right now in the real estate industry: BUYER'S MARKET!! We all want to help people realize their goals of actually owning a home, and I'd like to coach them through the entire process (having just gone through it, myself).

It's all kind of mind boggling to me that this is even an option, when just last week I was only going to a training class. Last week my future was in the hands of this training class, and today my future is in my own hands. What a transformation! I can see the possibilities for just about anyone...sure, maybe that's the two "2-oz" glasses of wine that were poured tonight speaking. And still, there's something there. 

We all create our own realities. If we're open to opportunities, they come to us. If we're not, then maybe something other than opportunities come to us. It seems the choice is in our hands. Isn't it always?

Healing Balance

I'm a big believer in energy and balance and using energy to create balance. I believe that thinking positively brings me closer to happiness. I believe that being around positive energy and people contributes to my own happiness. I believe that negative energy gets trapped in our bodies and unless given an escape route--massage, exercise, sex, hiking, softball, dancing, crying (to name a few)--that this negative energy manifests. Manifests into sore muscles and knots. Colds and flus. Maybe even cancers. That's what I believe.

Today was Day 1 of my Coaches Training. It was...an amazing and humbling experience. I think I could actually feel myself grow. In one workshop I was called on to coach someone while the other 20-some-odd people listened with intent to give feedback. I could feel the redness in my face, the tenseness of my muscles, and worse, I could hear myself flounder as the words began to form mid-air and make nearly no sense at all as they flew across the room. And I couldn't get them back. This is supposed to be your big calling, and you've buckled under pressure. That little voice in my head that keeps me from accomplishing all of my dreams started to stir. And then a funny thing happened. I told her to go away.

It felt odd. Strange. Out of the normal. Not right. Uncomfortable. I felt downright crazy for talking to myself in that moment, even if it was only in my head. For a moment I was afraid I'd spoken out loud. I looked around, and by that time, eyes were on the next would-be-coach. I took a deep breath, and as soon as they called for a break I bolted upright and headed for the bathroom to regain my composure. As I stood washing my hands, almost ready to go back into the fire pit, a woman approached me to tell me she liked where I was going with the questions I asked. She wanted to work with me on the next exercise. Huh. "Well sure", I said, all smiles. I might be able to do this...

I went back into the room and spoke to the woman I had a part in coaching. I thanked her for allowing me to be a part of her process. She smiled and leaned in for a hug. She made sure to lean her head to the right, so my head was over her left shoulder. I remember from a seminar of Dr. Wayne Dyer's that this has something to do with energy and the heart. And then she hugged me. This was no ordinary hug. She took long, deep, slow breaths in and let them out just the same. I could tell because two or three of my breaths equalled one of hers. And then it hit me: slow down. Absorb her energy.

She held tight to my frame and I began to release the tension in my neck. Next was the tension in my back. And arms. And chest. My breaths had become slow like hers, and I was nearly on pace with her, almost without trying. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I was in the middle of the "classroom" and no less than 15 people were in the room. And I had tears rolling down my cheeks, not caring who saw. This moment was for me, and not for them.

As we separated, I thanked her again, but this was for something different. I felt a shift, as she called it. A shift in my energy, from negative to positive. I don't mean to say that all of my negative energy was released, but I do mean to say that some of it was. I felt it actually leave my body. Through the hug, through my pores, through my tears. And that was enough release, enough energy, enough balance to get me through the rest of the night.

Volunteer Client Found

Today I begin the first day of the rest of my life. I guess we do this every day. But it's not every day that I start Life Coach Training. I'm pretty excited to get started, and even more excited that I've found a volunteer client to coach for my homework assignment tomorrow night. As it turns out, I will need to coach a volunteer client on the second night of each of the 4 remaining courses. I can either use the same volunteer from this course, or use a new volunteer every time, and I'm sure there are benefits to both. If anyone is interested, please email me and let me know. 

I was hoping to get a good night's sleep last night, but our new puppy got sick late in the afternoon. He spent a good chunk of the wee hours of the morning throwing up grass he'd eaten earlier in the day to try and make himself hurl. So every other hour had us jumping up to try and get him to the hardwood floors for easier mess cleaning, and subsequently cleaning up said mess. he seems to have gotten it all out of his system and is sleeping soundly (and snoring loudly) at the moment.

Last night and this morning (or maybe this entire week and month) have reminded me that things will always come up. It's rare that things will go according to plan 100% of the time, so I need to be prepared to be flexible. And in order to be flexible, I need to take care of myself. I've not meditated much in the last week, and plan on doing that this morning before I head out to class this afternoon. I'm also taking myself to breakfast. A) to ensure I actually eat breakfast, B) so that I don't have to clean up after myself when I'm done, and C) to sit with myself and enjoy my own company out amongst strangers. The next 3 days (today included) are going to be intense and I need to make sure I'm ready to take that on. 

I'm finding that the more time I take for myself, the more time I can give to others. It's a rather peaceful feeling, and I'm glad I can recognize it. 

Volunteer Client Needed

Next weekend I'm starting my first Coaches Training Institute Co-Active Coaching Course, and am super excited! According to the "syllabus," the second night's homework will be to coach a client in a half-hour or one-hour appointment, which can be in person or over the phone. I'll need to get it scheduled prior to the beginning of my course on Saturday, Feb 21, 2009 (10:00am PST). The appointment will need to be scheduled for sometime between 6:00pm-11:00pm PST on Feb 21, since I'll need to report back on the experience on the following day.

The “client” should be a volunteer client, not an existing client, nor should he/she be a spouse, partner, close family member or close personal friend.

This caveat limits participation in my homework assignment to people I don't know (or at least, don't know well), and expands my opportunity to meet new people and really get my feet wet in this new career. While I'm just beginning my professional coaching career, I feel like I've been preparing for this my entire life. I'm excited to finally dive in and begin co-creating paths to success and personal fulfillment!

What is Co-Active Coaching?

Co-Active Coaching has impacted the lives and careers of thousands of managers, leaders, and coaches around the world. It has led to the first ICF accredited coach training program, the most widely used text book in coaching, the largest number of certified coaches globally and a powerful, experiential leadership program that unlocks participants' unique and natural leadership strengths.

CTI coaching holds that people are naturally creative, resourceful, whole, and completely capable of finding their own answers to whatever challenges they face. The job of a Co-Active Coach® is to ask powerful questions, listen and observe to elicit the skills and creativity a client already possesses, rather than instruct or advise.

To train successful coaches, CTI uses an approach that includes four key elements:
1) In-depth, in-person Co-Active training
2) Professional practicum leading to certification
3) Business/entrepreneurial skills development
4) Supportive community of coaches.

If you're interested in becoming a volunteer client, and the date/timeframe above works for you, please contact me at dian at dianreidwrites.com to set up an appointment. I'm sure I will need plenty  of volunteer clients as my education continues, so please contact me if you'd like to participate in a future assignment, or even just get some free coaching in while I'm learning. While these assignments are required in my education, please know that any persons participating as a volunteer client will not be obligated to participate in ongoing sessions.  

I look forward to hearing from anyone who's looking to grow!!