Process of Fear

This morning I reluctantly got up with Jackson after Erin got in the shower. I took him out to take care of business, which he promptly did. He's such a good boy (in the morning). After Erin left for work I sat in my IKEA chair, feet up on the ottoman, Macbook in lap, puppy curled up asleep on the floor to my right. 

I drank my morning Nalgene of water and got started on 30 minutes of journaling. Fear. Compromise. Emotions. Out of control. Expectations. Let go. Protect. Armor. Barrier. Calm. Assure. Reassure. Inner child. Irrational. Back. Forth. Shame. Guilt. Anger. Weakness. Vulnerability. Trust. Allow. Relax. One step. Forward. Learn. Comfort. Growth. Release. Okay. Catharsis. Process. Whole. Me. Love. Appreciate. Gratitude. Home. 

Everyone I know who's bought a home has confirmed that buying a home is stressful. And like anything else in life, it must be experienced for one's self to truly understand the stress these people speak of. I am and have always been one who learns from doing rather than being told. We're not half way through escrow and I, too, can confirm that buying a home is stressful. 

Prepared with an excellent real estate agent and hours of research in Home Depot and on the internet and HGTV, Erin and I began the process. And no matter how much one learns from Sandra on Property Virgins, there's something to be said for going through the process, rather than being told about it or even watching someone else go through it. I didn't learn how to hit a ball until I actually swung a bat, even though I'd watched my father do it up to that moment. Buying a home is no different.

There are documents to sign, papers to fill out, monies to account for, incomes to prove, repairs to be made, inspections to be done, discussions to have, compromises to come to, miscommunications to avoid, tears to be shed, expectations to meet, and faith to be had. And through it all I'm supposed to keep my emotions in check and not let the rain affect my conversation skills. I wish it were that easy.

The past couple of days have been days filled with fear and stress, and no effort to release or relieve any of it. Most days I feel fine. Most days I get out of bed and find that I'm in a better place than I was the day before. But the occasional multiple days of rain in Southern California tend to screen my emotions, allowing only the dark and insecure ones through. The peeking sun rings distant, and while I can hear it, even see the call coming through, I do not answer it. 

With this morning's sunshine breaking through the clouds and the bright blue sky following suit, my dark emotions rest at bay. A few breaths of fresh air and Vitamin K rejuvenate my soul and bring a bright eye to the shadows that lured this fear of yesteryear into my world. My inner child fears are comforted and walked away. And what remains is my resilient adult experience, and the memory of the path to this place. There is no need for armor, and so it cannot be found. I breathe deeply and freely, knowing that whatever fears and stresses come with buying this home: those, too, shall pass.