Monday, August 23, 2010

what's hers is hers

my girl's grandmother passed away this week. mum. i only met her a few times. she's the kind of woman you instantly fall in love with. proper in her manners, sweet in her demeanor, and fierce in her love and respect for her granddaughter.

the last time we saw mum was over skype. she was in aww at how the picture on the screen was really us all the way over here in california. she got to "meet" jackson and share a space of love and smiles over the mysterious waves of the internet. for that, i will always be grateful to skype.

it kills me to see my girl's heart so broken. i don't know what to do for her, i don't know what to say. i can go through my own pain, but how do i just sit here and let her go through hers?

i'm trying not to let my grief overshadow hers. this is her loss, and even though i feel an ounce of it, too, i have to remind myself of my role in her grief: support; love; kisses; space; shoulder; tissue giver; ear; head rest; and more love.

i can't speak to what she's going through because i know we all process grief differently. i can only marvel at how she's actually processing it. it's so different from my own family's way of getting through death. they cover it up with "being strong" and "sucking it up" and "moving on".

erin said, "i'm gonna call my mom now," after spending a few tears on my shoulder. a few years ago i might have been jealous that she has a mother to call. today i was grateful. grateful that she has a mother to call, grateful that i just adore that mother, and grateful that their relationship is one where they can process through their grief together. it's a special bond, and i'm grateful to be a witness to it all.

true strength shows up in feeling the pain and moving through it. true strength shows up in breaking down and letting it all out whenever that wave hits you. true strength is moving through it, whatever it may be, and not figuring out how to maneuver around it.

i'm eternally grateful for this gift of being able to see erin's true strength shine. and a little piece of me hopes i never have to see it again.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

750 words write mind

this morning i did a little word-association exercise via

as i read through the 750 words, some combinations made sense while others seemed to come out of nowhere. i tried not to repeat any words, but even after reading through the list a couple of times, i began to see words melding together and my thoughts drifted to other words i could have used instead. the mind of a writer, indeed.

tired. weary. gray. hot. slummy. wild. heart. brilliant. being. ornery. flagrant. foul. chicken. bugawck. lenient. principal. order. way. stuff. turkey. thanks. many. lots. parking. beach. sand. ocean. waves. baseball. sports. announcers. costas. rica. quote. letter. blog. paragraph. seo. daily. new. keyword. adword. google. adhere. blunt. brief. point. boxers. hanes. shirts. bacon. wrapped. present. christmas. mom. dad. cancer. life. death. grandma. grandpa. old. new. baby. twins. boys. born. living. still. calm. peace. tranquil. serenity. movie. lines. ropes. carpet. red. pop. corn. blue. chips. stock. market. store. ralph. grocer. butcher. play. kids. playground. swings. summer. swimming. pool. lifeguard. station. hut. ramp. on. off. freeway. lion. cage. roar. anger. freeing. liberation. 2010. y2k. bozos. earthquake. water. shutoff. valve. gas. fire. burn. ash. smoke. cigarette. stink. lungs. rot. decay. cay. timoty. island. trees. palm. coconut. frond. pineapple. hawaii. vacation. surfing. honolulu. relax. chill. solitude. massage. warm. cozy. cove. rocks. salt. fish. shark. dolphin. anew. seek. ice. fall. pick. battles. wars. wage. economy. down. south. north. pole. arctic. bears. polar. iceberg. warming. global. earth. planet. green. cycle. bike. walk. carbon. footprint. reduce. around. high. crack. home. less. restrict. aware. awake. arrest. police. car. truck. suv. trip. drive. road. asphalt. concrete. jungle. monkey. chimp. words. sign. language. shift. thinking. believe. animal. nature. instinct. intuition. gut. wrench. plumber. pipes. clogged. twist. snake. swamp. aligator. crocodile. chocodile. junk. eat. ack. hack. vomit. sick. heal. meditate. mind. brain. activity. stagnant. bliss. achieve. excel. blow. corporate. exact. enough. never. much. always. depth. need. skill. cohesive. communicate. swear. passive. agressive. type. keyboard. click. tap. nudge. push. pull. ebb. flow. speed. meth. capital. washington. dc. comics. books. cartoons. daffy. duck. bugs. bunny. wabbit. elmer. glue. hold. together. smile. laugh. one. all. we. us. our. common. ground. electric. youth. elder. generation. x. y. chromosome. genetics. healthy. disease. decide. choice. pregnant. not. early. late. embryo. life. rights. taken. away. afar. women. man. stick. stone. break. bone. fix. necessary. no. leave. now. alone. free. bird. fly. plane. superman. superhero. out. crowd. afraid. allure. magazine. pages. rip. shred. tear. up. aloof. sacred. feminine. genuine. real. authentic. you. yourself. have. pink. nose. edge. inside. outside. fear. claw. scratch. door. foot. wedge. butt. pant. leg. naked. truth. elephant. room. lie. white. slave. driver. daisy. miss. pushing. under. six. feet. grave. digger. shallow. rain. feel. drink. one. more. grace. gone. camera. canyon. left. sunset. rise. occasion. falter. help. hand. finger. nail. head. own. responsible. child. latchkey. pots. pans. cook. self. alcoholic. mother. cows. moo. hill. pout. shit. lip. steal. thief. heart. whisker. thick. poke. through. me. jog. mile. eight. seven. countdown. celebrate. party. 1999. over. under. gamble. lose. nothing. back. shirt. shoes. flip. flop. waver. waiver. clause. contract. deal. card. cookie. crumble. behave. consequence. yawn. teeth. growl. bark. carve. name. love. knife. sword. daggar. cuts. deep. seated. set. broken. doctor. nurse. soccer. bask. glory. raise. arms. glee. sing. pop. culture. cult. classic. shining. jack. dull. boy. donor. marrow. plates. blood. family. ties. thicker. bleed. red. rant. rave. reviews. moral. judgment. ethic. vote. judge. save. constitution. civil. case. hook. sinker. comedy. show. tell. ask. don't. realize. blinders. horse. ass. tail. swat. flat. tummy. saggy. boob. tv. program. remote. control. authority. fought. law. won. johhny. cougar. melons. camp. tent. stake. mallet. mullet. lame. hair. trim. lesbian. landscape. brow. furrow. gag. spoon. shoplift. pootie. jerry. tom. couch. crazy. misfit. mishap. weave. web. charlotte. genius. bar. draught. beer. lite. miller. case. pillow. fight. cat. dog. jax. clean. floor. termite. gross. expensive. homeowner. overrated. adulthood. middle. school. junior. senior. college. exam. pass. fail. learn. succeed. grow. align. forage. plunder. blunder. mistake. con. pro. football. american. rugby. hairpiece. trying. false. sense. security. guard. shot. heard. round. gimme. putt. tee. fairway. chunk. shank. alley. dark. lit. bounce. baller. sorbet. champaign. mimosa. sunday. morning. ease. bed. enjoy. sleep. flail. try. cling. blanket. belong. curse. goat. bambino. little. tiny. teeny. weenie. button. penis. nah. fold. over. comb. iron. towel. toss. salad. dressing. showers. benches. hurdles. marks. slim. chance. go. 200. dollars. cash. cool. dirty. money. rich. wealth. health. self. esteem. colleague. boss. blink. tipping. jeans. tennis. billie. holiday. paid. month. year. sail. around. bay. idea. lab. science. major. english. minor. math. journal. accountant. log. irs. tax. honor. values. pilot. force. army. navy. marine. biology. bigger. aware. mindful. action. authentic. reality. dreamy. mac. book. author. wannabe. gogo. stage. cheer. friends. core. abundant. everything. willful. disaster. wonders. plight. mankind. neanderthal. study. discovery. national. international. worldly. trotter. basketball. dribble. wipe. moist. cake. chocolate. vanilla. creamery. cheese. house. indeed. ownership. wood. fence. glass. ceiling. feminist. movement. classy. broads. understand. seek. knowledge. accept.

751: want.
752: more.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A Year Ago on DRW: Lather, Rinse, Repeat

August 11, 2009:
I just finished the book. My emotions are all over the place. I cried this morning because Erin walked past me as she got ready for work. Which is what she does every morning, but this morning I wanted her to stop. To stop and look at me. Notice that tears were welling in my eyes. Notice that my emotions were too raw for her to get ready for work. I walked around the house. I fed the cats. I sat on the bed. And when she walked in to get dressed, I could barely get the words out, "I'm feeling a little emotional today." I cried in her arms and didn't know exactly why I was crying. Guess I didn't need to know.

This morning I printed a copy of the book and handed it to a friend to give me some feedback. I'm headed to Kinkos as soon as I'm finished with this blog and printing off six more copies. One for Texas, One for Orange County, two for Long Beach, one for Studio City, and one for Venice Beach. Some are giving me technical feedback of, "take this out, put that there, add more here," and some are giving me real life feedback of, "this really spoke to me, wish there was more on that."

My emotions seem to be bred from fear. Fear that it's all crap. Fear that I just spent three years putting my soul on paper and it's not going to amount to anything. Fear that I'll get ripped to shreds in the feedback that I've gone and asked for. I realize the fears are unfounded, even irrational. The important thing is that I'm processing through it. Feeling the fear, addressing the fear, and moving forward anyway. It's the only way to let the fear go. It will come up again, I'm sure of it. No life is sans fear. And when it does, lather, rinse, repeat.
The book has since taken on another series of rewrites and is hoping to be edited again soon. This is the kind of book I can't rush, and still I know it's dying to be ready by all of your eyes.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Through the Summer Breeze

the summer breeze has been an influence on my morning, and i can almost feel the crisp chill blowing through the hairs on my arm, neck, and the back of my ears.

for the last 56 days straight i've written my morning pages over at i love this process of brain drain and starting my day by sifting through the dust and mulch to see which is which. (i also kind of love all the charts and graphs and eye candy that come along with finishing my daily words).

usually i kick up the dust and get clear on what i'm going to work on for the day or work through an issue or what's going on throughout the week or weekend, or what i'm going to have for breakfast. today, though ... today ... today i fell in love. and i want to share some of it with you.

that up there is one of my favorite pieces of eye candy, the capturing of the most frequent words of each entry. what's captured above are the words of this morning's writing.

i won't share all the words with you, but will share some that seemed to come from the depths of my soulful wisdom—you know, the one our ego seems to block like a linebacker.

the summer breeze is cool and light. it refreshes the air and the mind and the body and the soul. the ocean air is cool and damp.
the fog lifts as the sun rises and sheds light on the day, the city, the street, the house. our house is filled with light and love and summer and breeze and ocean and air.
our beach is sandy and warm, that slight breeze kicking up the grains of sand that refuse to stay put. the grains of sand are wanderers among the earth of vagabonds. no grain willing stay put for too long, it has been through too much not to take its story to the next place willing to listen, to learn, to love to honor, to cherish, to feel, to flee, to be, free.
our lives are filled with these ocean breezes and this summer air. the fog rolls in, the fog rolls out. wise words and my kind soul permeate the soft skin made supple by the moisture in the air from living by the sea. if the air is cold, my heart is warm. if the air is warm, my heart follows suit.
we do not believe in "one or the other", we believe in coexisting in a life where anything, everything is possible. my brain is the genius it set out to be all those years ago when formulating a plan to be here, to love, to cherish, to honor, to bring forth the light in my being i've always known was here. and so i am, and so it is.
this is the life i have chosen for myself, but not as a human, as the tiny microorganism that lived and has lived for centuries and milleniums. this is the way of life and we all are much more than we can conceive of with our own two eyes and ears and arms and legs. our minds are supple just like our skin, although we see so much less with our minds than we dor our soul.
our mind blocks the soul from speaking, but not from seeing. the soul is patient and will wait its turn because the soul is not the ego and the ego has no place in the soul.
the ego knows this and takes its rightful place in our minds and begins to settle in for the long haul with the intent of protecting us. but the ego has a two-year old's mind and offers tantrums and punching as a way of resolving conflict and communicating fears. this is the way of the ego and it is what it is.
we all see things differently and the love in the air is more powerful than the ego in the mind. it's a matter of letting that love in, which the soul is kindly obliging.
the summer breeze brings us back around and the ocean air will lay its fog and lift its fog in its own good time. we all will lay our fog and lift our fog in our own good time. our ego will try to tell us otherwise, and sometimes our minds will believe, but the soul knows best.
we don't always listen to the soul because we're not always listening. but today i am. today i listen.
today, we—my soul and i—are one. we travel the ocean air and fly in the summer breeze. we compliment each other and say how nice our hair looks. we notice the sparkle in each other's eyes. we share the glitter of sea foam as a dolphin pushes up for a breath of fresh air and a playful jump. we sit in awe of each other and revel in our marvelousness. we take care of each other and nurture one another with kindness. with indulgent prosperity. with deep and loving compassion. we understand that our imperfections are just the opposite, and made for reasons that—at least, i—cannot comprehend.
but the soul has infinite wisdom and understands that i will learn in my own good time. i will understand and grow in my own good time, just like every redwood does. we grow in groves, not in solitude, but because we have others around us and are meant to thrive in a world where we see each other for our greatness and not for our weakness.
redwoods see greatness in other redwoods, and strive to grow taller, not to outshine, outlive, out-do the others, but so the other redwoods will do the same.
we grow and thrive because of our community and sharing and willingness to help others grow. we will rise to the top of our beings and continue to grow and thrive. and it's not so we will be taller, bigger, badder, better than anyone else, but so that others may see us grow, and do the same—have the courage to grow where once there was blind courage and no growth—see the inner wisdom that's been kept hidden in the depths of the soul, only to come out and play when the soul knew it was time.
we all have our time, we all have our wisdom, and our time is now and our wisdom is here.
this is what i have to say on this beautiful sunday morning.
turns out i did share almost all of it. i hardly recognize the words as my own, but that's how the universe works. through us all. and through the summer breeze.