Inquiry: Judgment

Wednesday I wrote about my meditation, part of the release I felt during the process, and forgiving myself for things I thought I'd long since gotten over. I reflected on the experience in my journal both yesterday and this morning and feel like I've made some further progress. The part I'd been missing this whole time was not that I hadn't learned, not that I hadn't moved on, but that I had judged. 

In my daily life I try not to judge others. I make a conscious effort to be kind to people who cut me off while driving, cut in line in the supermarket, or are rude in line at retail stores. This conscious effort doesn't mean that I'm always successful, but I can usually restrain myself to only thinking what I'd like to say instead of actually saying it. And then I coach myself on why the thoughts are not acceptable either.

Dian, you know that negative energy has to go somewhere...if even if you're just thinking negative thoughts and not spewing them out into the world, it's still negative energy; it's still toxic.

But that's only when I catch myself thinking about other people. What about when I resent myself? I won't rehash the past because I just put it where it belongs, so I'll just say that it's not enough to move forward and act outwardly like you've learned and moved on. It's even more important to believe those changes in yourself. 

As a result of the meditation, I saw the facts. Nothing more, nothing less. I was able to walk away from the experience leaving all judgement to flow through the foundation below my apartment and back into the earth. I had a dream Wednesday night that the energy I released became one with the positive energy of the earth and was thus transformed, as only the earth would know how to do.

I don't believe that life is about being right or wrong, good or bad. I believe life is about being true to the nature of who you are and finding ways to share love, just as we were created. In my mind and my belief, there is no judgment day, there is only today. It's not about being better than anyone else, but, for me, being better than who I was yesterday. And how can I be better if I'm constantly reminding myself of an awful thing I did yesterday (or a year or twelve ago)? I don't believe I can. 

If I'm to change my actions, first I must become aware of them. If I don't take time to notice my own behavior, how can I expect to change it? So with that, I have some questions:

How much time in my day do I spend judging others? How much time do I spend judging myself? If I judge others less will that flow over to less judgments of myself? If I judge myself less with that turn into less judgment on others? What is it about my ego that makes me even want to place judgment, whether it be on myself or another? 

These are questions I'll be reflecting on in today's meditation. I'm not sure if these are the right questions to ask or where these questions will lead me, but I do know that if I don't ask, then I can't grow. 

Are there any questions you have of yourself?